Please Pick Up Your Banana Peels
by Vronsurd
Summary: Glynda Goodwitch is pissed. She decides to start a weekly bulletin taking Ozpin, her students, and the world at large to task. No one's safe. No one. She'll bring her wrath down on anyone's head. Formerly called: Glynda's Bulletin.
1. Chapter 1

Glynda's Bulletin

Once upon a time, Glynda Goodwitch was fed the hell up.

She was sick and tired of all the stupid bullshit taking place at _her _school. If it wasn't the students, it was the teachers, if it wasn't the teachers it was Ozpin.

If it wasn't Ozpin, it was James or Qrow or the council…

Or Ozpin again.

Dammit!

Why couldn't things just go right? For once?

Ever?

So, Glynda, frustrated and furious, started a newsletter.

It was a simple, modest little thing.

Just some quick blurbs she wanted to release to the people on the Beacon email list. Just… a way to let a _few _people know what she thought about the actions of certain individuals.

It wasn't as if the Beacon email list was all that _huge _or anything.

The only recipients were students…faculty…alumni…friends of the institution…council-members, and anyone who signed up on the Beacon website.

So, at most, ten—maybe fifteen-thousand?

No biggie.

At first, it was just going to be a one-time thing. She was angry. And she'd run out of bourbon. So, popping open her email seemed like the thing to do.

Who'd have guessed she'd wind up doing this every week?

**Ms. Rose**\- _Stop freaking everyone out with sexual innuendos and pretending you have no idea what you're saying. Honestly, telling your friends, after sparring with Jaune Arc, that you had an "exhausting day testing his **penetrating power,** but you're satisfied with his improvements…" and then encouraging your sister to hunt him through the school for the next three hours. I get that you want your teammates to understand that you aren't a child. But all you're doing is proving their assumption—and causing **$343,690** worth of damage to the school. _

_Honestly…woman up, take the manchild's v-card. Then you'll be an adult._

**Mr. Winchester- **_Few people liked you before when you were just a racist. Now that we've all seen pictures of your BDSM bunny-girl fetish materials…_

_Well…what can I say?_

_I suggest you pick a lane Mr. Winchester. Extreme sex-pervert **and **racist makes you a little too unique a butterfly_

**The Original O.Z.**\- _HOW THE HELL DO YOU CHANGE CUSTOM AUTOCORRECT SETTINGS? I SWEAR TO THE DARK GOD, IF MY COMPUTER DOESN'T STOP AUTO CORRECTING YOUR NAME TO THE ORIGINAL O.Z. IM GOING TO FORCE FEED YOU YOUR MUG. THE WHOLE FREAKIN THING. Also, in the past, present, and future…please refrain from poisoning staff members._

**Ms. Belladonna- **_One of your fellow first years, Pesci has been complaining about the way you look at him. He says that you are making him feel uncomfortable to have his fins out. He claims that just the other day you were staring at him like you wanted to skin, gut, and filet him. Please refrain from making our faunus students feel uncomfortable with scathing or disgusted glances. _

_Honestly, a little more self-denial and a lot more leather you'd be the new Cardin._

**Dr. Oobleck- **_I don't care what The Original O.Z. tells you, or how he tries to convince you. DO NOT. Under any circumstances. Accept any beverages from The Original O.Z. Yes, he'll tell you it's the greatest thing in the world. He'll tell you that you just need to trust him._

_Here's the truth. _

_If it was the greatest thing in the world, it would be in his mug, being drunk and horded. If he's giving it to you it's because it's the most untested thing in the world. Do you really need more caffeine in your diet?_

**Ms. Nikos **_This is a tentative admonition, as it is based purely on rumor and—to be frank—I cannot imagine this being true._

_There is a rumor going around that you've been…"talking to" girls who approach your partner? "talking to" here meaning, pinning the girl to a wall, glowering like a psychopath, and threatening them with their own floating weapon?_

_When I tried to get to the bottom of the rumor the girls who it seemed were the supposed victims insisted that you were the nicest and most polite being they had ever met and talking to or even looking at Mr. Arc was a notion that had never even crossed their mind._

_I suppose someone else must be the source of these rumors. Watch yourself Ms. Nikos—perhaps you have an enemy._

**Qrow- **_Stop drinking little-girl-liquor._

**Professor Peach-** _WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? I know you're here. I know students take classes under you. BUT WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU. iT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. DO YOU LIVE ON CAMPUS OR NOT?_

**Ms. Xiao-Long- **_Your puns have proven themselves to be almost as undesirable as Ms. Rose's innuendos. Ms. Schnee has anonymously informed me that you have continued to ignore my command to stop. As Ms. Schnee was well aware when she approached me—off-the-record—there will be consequences._

**Ms. Schnee_\- _**_Snitches get stiches._

**Mr. Thrush, Mr. Bronzewing, and Mr. Lark- **_Your joint request for a new leader has been denied. You stood by him proudly while he was bullying faunus. Stand by him with the same resolve as he does whatever the hell he does with that…. equipment under his bed. _

_Every._

_Single._

_Night._

_Also, I gave you those nametags for a reason. I need to know whose who. Make sure you're wearing them tomorrow or every time I guess a name wrong, you'll earn an hour in detention._

**Mr. Arc- **_How the hell did you get in this school?_

**Ms. Fall **_Perhaps you didn't notice the other day when we bumped shoulders in the hall. I was on my side of the hall. You crossed onto my side and made contact with my left shoulder. You did not apologize or acknowledge that this took place. Perhaps you were preoccupied or lost in thought. Regardless, I await your apology. _

_After all, that is my bad shoulder._

_I over-exerted my rotator cuff thrashing the last fugly to disrespect me._

**Miscellaneous- **_Whoever keeps leaving me these sappy poems, chocolates, cards, and flowers in private locations—such as my bedroom…_

_Know this._

_I will figure out who you are._

_And I will break you._


	2. Chapter 2

**Qwq qweqq, yes, Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies. A fellow man of culture I see. :-P I was reminded of it the other day, thought I'd write something similar. Guitar Huntsman is coming soon—I've got two more weeks of projects and classes and all that, but I'll be back on track with my larger works soon.**

**Oz, the Great and Powerful- **_I know you think I'm playing about the autocorrect thing. I'm not. Stop changing your name's autocorrect settings on my computer. Also, what the hell did you give to Oobleck? I was in his office today and I could hear his voice all around me. But I couldn't **see **him. Why the hell, couldn't I **see **him Oz, the Great and Powerful? The unprinted aluminum can I found on his desk, said "ingredients: coffee bean, caffeine, and ingredient X." And under that it said, "0.35% coffee."_

_What the hell is ingredient X?_

_What the hell did you make Oobleck drink?_

_Why can I detect his aura in the room, feel rapidly shifting air currents, but not **see **Oobleck?_

_I swear to god Oz, the Great and Powerful, if you've "un-alived" another staff member…_

**Ms. Valkyrie- **_Self-defense is a word. Words have meanings. Labeling your actions one thing does not automatically make them so. Just because…the boy with the mohawk on team CRDL told you that "Sloths are an endangered species" does not give you the right to "endanger his species."_

_Come to think of it, mentioning that sloths are endangered is not even a verbal attack on your person. _

_It's not even an attack on sloths either. _

_Just an unfortunate result of dust-mining practices. Know anyone around here who owns dust mines? _

_HINT: It's Weiss Schnee. _

_Food for thought._

**Mr. Ren? Mr. Lie? **_What the hell am I supposed to call you? Which one is your last name?_

**Dr. Oobleck- **_Bart, if you're reading this, you need to slow down. Do you understand? SLOW. DOWN. We cannot help you if you don't SLOW DOWN._

**…Port- **_The point of this institution, Peter, is to teach young huntresses and huntsmen the character, traits, and skills they will need to successfully defend humanity from the Grimm. Beacon is **not **a venue for your self-masturbatory storytelling. _

_If I **ever **hear about you taking your shirt off in front of a class again…_

_Well, let's just say you and I will have problems._

**Ms. Belladonna- **_Pesci is growing more and more worried about your behavior around him. Asking the young man to spar is one thing. Doing so while openly salivating and staring at him is quite another._

**Roman Torchwick- **_I don't care if the dance's theme was cops and robbers soirée—you are not welcome at Beacon. Stop sneaking in for our nice social events. Between your mooching and stealing you're almost as great a drain on Beacon resources as Oz, the Great and Powerful._

_Also… _

_That Neo girl that you're always gallivanting around with. How old is she?_

_I swear on the broken moon if the reason you're hanging around Beacon is because you've realized you lack interest in women **our **age, then I will start hunting you and your underage psychopathic sex-slave with the full-intent to leave you a broken husk of a man._

_Just like back when we were in school._

_Comprende bastardo?_

**Ms. Nikos- **_I apologize for last week's insinuations about you threatening other girls or some rubbish. Since my last bulletin I have received a sincere, handwritten letter from each of the girls I interviewed concerning your behavior. They had nothing but glowing praise and loving stories for you. Every single one of the cards I received was tearstained. I can't imagine how you've managed to have such an incredible impact on those girls' lives in the short time that you've been here—but keep it up. It is individuals like you who instill in me a hope for tomorrow. _

**Ms. Schnee- **_Please stop badgering me about putting you on a new team. You were placed on Team RWBY for a purpose—for a reason._

_You are just too young and dumb to see it._

_After all… _

_Names that start with the letter U are incredibly rare and that's the only way we could have made your team's anagram better. _

_No "U"'s and you're the only "W" among the first years._

_As for your request to "at least make you the leader", what would you suggest for your new team name?_

_WYBR? _

_WRYB?_

_RWBY is an excellent team nam—I mean—Ruby makes an excellent leader._

_Deal with it._

**Ms. Xiao-Long **_Your excuse for planting cameras in the boy's locker room—"you just wanted to see **Xiao **long everybody was and **Xiao **much everyone was packing…" That excuse is neither humorous nor an excuse. It's actually an admission of guilt. _

_To think the first student that I would punish this year for nude non-consensual photos and video would be you and not Cardin._

_Ridiculous. _

**Professor Peach**\- _Still looking for you. STILL._

**Ms. Scarlatina- **_Since the horrifying discovery of Mr. Winchester's…proclivities, I—and many others, I imagine—have noticed some…**adjustments** you've made to your uniform. Please stop torturing the poor pervert. I can't imagine why you want his attention, but you already have it. Please put your belly button away before Cardin **literally **bursts out of his pants._

**Ms. Adel- **_I know you bought or made your teammate that Beacon school-girl-fetishist outfit. I also know you're likely a large source of encouragement for her while wearing the damn thing. Don't think you'll escape punishment if I see her tomorrow in anything but her original uniform._

**Mr. Daichi- **_I canceled your reservation in the sparring arena with Mr. Winchester because it appears to me you intimidated him into agreeing to your match. _

_You were also seen sharpening, laughing with, and whispering to your rather massive sword. A few of our faunus students, with their superior hearing, reported that Mr. Winchester's name came up quite a few times while you were…convening with your weapon. _

_Long story short—however Mr. Winchester has offended you…_

_You may **not **murder him in the guise of a training accident. _

**Mr. Wukong **_Yes, this is about the banana peels. _

_Again. _

_The last time I confronted you about the haphazardly discarded waste you claimed it was racist to assume that, because you were a monkey faunus and the problem occurred the moment you and your team arrived, you were the one leaving peels everywhere—despite the fact that I have seen you, quite often, in fact, with a banana in hand. _

_I dropped this matter at the time since you seemed sure of your course._

_You didn't want to admit to a relatively minor sin and receive a slap on the wrist. _

_You wanted me to waste **my valuable **time gathering evidence and then meet the full brunt of the punishment I can bring down on a visiting student._

_It was an odd choice._

_But it was yours._

_I was all set to go out of my way to gather evidence, but then, much to my surprise, a blue haired **child **approached me, smiled, and began…_

_Ha._

_To hit on me._

_If you could even call his attempts at flirtation "hitting on someone." The only hits I saw performed were as I imagined every step that must have made contact with his head when he was dropped as an infant._

_Anyway. _

_I quickly shattered the boy's baby-faced smirk. In the process of doing so, I discovered he was your teammate. _

_It didn't take long for me to extract a confession from him. As well as the promised support from the rest of your team. They've all seen you litter with your fruity waste._

_Smart boys, your friends._

_They know better than to go down with the ship. They also know not to mess with the iceberg who's handing out rafts._

**Mr. Vasilias **_You could no more **handle **me than a sheep could **handle **a dragon. I don't care if you "thought I was just a gorgeous fourth year." You couldn't have **handled** me then either. You must have momentarily mixed up yourself with the ancient god you're named for._

_But… _

_Guess… _

_What…?_

_The original Neptune couldn't **handle **me either._

**Miscellaneous- **_More chocolates found on my bedroom pillow…someone must be very brave. I hope you know that when I catch you—whoever you are—I'm going to do…**things**…to you._


	3. Chapter 3

**This fic's title is changing. To: Please Pick up your Banana Peels. It was originally supposed to be a title more reminiscent of Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies but, at the time, I couldn't figure out what I wanted to be the running thread. I now know. **

**MR. WUKONG- **_DO YOU REALLY THINK DROPPING OUT OF THE VYTAL FESTIVAL AND SENDING THE REST OF YOUR TEAM BACK TO HAVEN WILL SAVE YOU? _

_DID YOU THINK I WOULD CHUCKLE AND WHISPER, "HE GOT ME" WHEN I FOUND MY OFFICE FLOODED WITH PEELS? _

_YOU'D BEST SLEEP WITH YOUR ARMED BODYGUARD'S EYES WIDE OPEN MR. WUKONG. I DON'T NEED TO BE ABLE TO PROVE YOU DID IT TO MAKE YOU WISH YOU HADN'T. _

**Professor Peach- **_I know we haven't spoken in a while (entirely your fault) but I need a favor. Do you have any incendiary-ice dust? I need just the right amount to cause no lasting damage but horrifyingly severe burning and cooling pain on an aura boosted-individual. Make sure your measure accounts for fur and the musculature of a prehensile tail._

**Mr. Arc **_I heard you…_

_"Singing"_

_Over the last semester, Mr. Arc, I've had a lot of questions about life. _

_Why does evil purport itself despite humanity's best intentions? _

_Why does innocence die even in those who remain true to their goodness?_

_Why is our world one of nightmares, of monsters that feed on fear itself?_

_Why is Jaune Arc at Beacon?_

_While the first three are a little more comfortable to consider, that last one I wasn't even able to hazard a guess._

_Not even a guess._

_But after hearing you play and croon that…one-of-a-kind ballad for Ms. Schnee's benefit. _

_I finally have a probable theory concerning one of life's greatest mysteries._

_Your only options were huntsman and musician, correct? You chose the one least likely to cause irreparable harm to society as a whole._

_An admirable choice._

**_Welcome to the O-Zone- _**_How did you change my autocorrect again!? I had the I.T. guy reset it, then I changed my password. HOW DID YOU GET ON MY COMPUTER? AGAIN? Welcome to the Ozone, I swear to god, if you don't stop this…_

_In other news. You fired the school's medical staff._

_Care to explain the logic behind that one?_

_"Cutting costs", has never been a priority for you. And firing doctors at your combat school isn't how you cut costs anyway._

_Besides, the school's been doing well. Are you just cutting costs as a precaution?_

_Although it's the stupidest and most ridiculous way you could do it. I'm proud of you Welcome to the O-zone for finally embracing the responsibilities of your station—even if it does mean I'll have to rehire and file hundreds of pages of paperwork…_

_IS THAT WHAT YOU EXPECTED ME TO SAY?_

_I REVIEW THE DAMN LEDGERS WELCOME TO THE O-ZONE!_

_WHY IS THERE A SEVEN FIGURE EXPENSE LABELED "Remove ingredient X from water supply"!? _

_SOUNDS TO ME LIKE WE NEED DOCTORS MORE THAN EVER._

_YOU'D BEETER HAVE A DAMN GOOD EXPLANATION._

**Ms. Rose- **_Please stop following Mr. Daichi around. He is growing quite concerned. What you saw the other day, when he was whispering to his blade—that was him having a mental breakdown. Popping out of unexpected places, such as his bed covers, closet, locker, and shower curtains—and asking "you hear them too?" _

_It's a little much._

_And if it's not a joke, please see Doctor Oobleck—he's back at human-tangible speeds—well, at least speeds tangible to individuals with good eyesight—and he's also the closest thing we have to a real doctor right now._

**The Genteel Thief King of Vale- **_How. Just how did you get access to my autocorrect too? _

_At first I assumed that you had nothing to do with it. That it was all Welcome to the O-Zone's doing. _

_But then I found the surprises on my desktop._

_Not even Welcome to the O-Zone could be so crass—although, I suppose he might have assisted you without knowing just how far you intended to go. Either way, I know you didn't pull it off on your own._

_Was it Ozpin? _

_Or was it your underage companion? _

_Either way, understand that there will be consequences for this._

_Consequences your mind will not like, and your body will not understand._

**Ms. Xia-Long- **_You wouldn't happen to know, Ms. Xia-Long, who went about all of Beacon proclaiming that my statements made to Mr. Vasilias last week were not metaphors? _

_You wouldn't happen to know who spread the word that I had, in fact, slept with the real Neptune—an **ancient **mythological being—thousands of years old? A being that was last claimed to have been spotted over 1800 years ago._

_You wouldn't know who started the rumor that I was around for that sighting?_

_That I was the one who spotted him?_

_You wouldn't happen to be calling me **old**, would you Ms. Xia-Long?_

_I hardly know what I would do if this was the case._

_But it's a moot point. Surely you wouldn't. Surely your self-preservation instincts are stronger than that…_

_In other news, I'm changing your punishment for the locker-room debacle from detention to my personal sparring assistant._

_I've been feeling my skills decline in my **old** age—figured a strong youthful girl such as yourself could help me** cling** to my last vestiges of power. Same time as the detentions were going to be._

_Make sure you bring a change of clothes and bandages to our sessions._

**Ms. Nikos- **_As highly irregular as the request is, I've decided to grant you and Mr. Arc a training retreat. Given your prestigious background and obvious skills—and the…room Mr. Arc shows for improvement, a few days away from the school, full of intense, nonstop, never-ending, blood-pumping training between just the two of you could work wonders. Usually these sorts of retreats are undertaken in the woods—but if you think the Four Seasons of Vale hotel would be better—because of their amazing training accommodations (which I had not heard about, to be honest) then I will leave the choice of venue up to you._

_Please, make Mr. Arc into a man. _

_Whether he thinks he can withstand your methods or not._

**Ms. Belladonna- **_Mr. Pesci informed me that you asked him for, "a taste." What you meant by that, I hazard not to guess. PLEASE, stay away from Pesci. The poor boy is terrified of you. STOP PICKING YOUR TEETH WITH FISHBONES IN FRONT OF HIM. Your bullying may not be as clearly intended as Mr. Winchester's, but it seems far more…_

_Predatorial._

_Just…_

_Control yourself, alright?_

**Mr. Vasilias, Mr. Ayana, Mr. David- **_I know you're still on this mailing list. Even though you likely wish to pretend I don't exist._

_I admire your team cohesion, skipping town the moment your leader suggested it, preventing me from gathering the evidence against Sun I desired… _

_It was a very… "team-y" thing to do. _

_But it was also foolish._

_Picking loyalty to Mr. Wukong—who would have done nothing to you had you chosen to rat him out—over staying in my good graces?_

_Ha…_

_I'm sure this will serve as a valuable lesson to you. Following your leader is all good and fine. _

_But following him off a cliff? _

_That just seems ill-advised._

_I don't particularly feel like going to Haven to chase you down. _

_But one day… _

_Maybe this year... _

_Maybe after you've graduated… _

_Maybe ten years into your career… _

_You'll come back to Vale—or maybe there'll be some reason for me to pop over to Mistral._

_Either way…_

_The three of us will discuss Mr. Wukong's sins again. And after having fled—they will be treated as your own._

**Ms. Schnee- **_I'm happy to hear that Ms. Rose is growing on you, albeit in your words "only a little." As for whether I can do something about "that buffoon Xia-Long" I took the liberty of reserving a room for the two of you at the Four Seasons alongside Ms. Nikos. The two of you may not be partners—but you are teammates—cooperation should be built through a better understanding of one another. You will engage in a training retreat and you will grow together. An understanding between the two of you will be built by spending time with one another. _

_And if it is not?_

_Well, you'll at least have Mr. Arc for company._

**Ms. Valkyrie- **_The other day you proclaimed, in the middle of class, "I smell B.S. magical powers coming off of that one!" and pointed at one of our transfer students. Please see me later to explain this…scent you detected._

**Miscellaneous- **_The banana shaped chocolates and themed poems you, whoever you are, left on my bathroom sink were…topical and clever. I suppose. You should reveal yourself. That way I can also reveal how much I appreciated the entirely noninvasive gesture. Just come to my room tonight—while I'm actually there—and I'll show you just how much I enjoy your relentless stalkerish pursuance. _

_You'll **definitely** be able to walk once I'm through with you. _

_And you **definitely** won't have any bruising._

_I promise._

_I won't do anything to you that you won't **eventually** recover from._


End file.
